Now that I have finally moved into my new apartment and things have settled down again I have been going through and taking inventory of my emotions and where things stand in my life.
I am extremely grateful for a great many things in my life from everything with my large bouts with depression for years when I was younger to how that shaped me into being the person I am today. Up to the heart break I have dealt with and how that has pushed me to grow as a real person and forced me to deal with my emotions.
In the past I have pressed through life and walls by using aggression and anger to push myself to a higher level. Lately though I realize that I am not angry anymore. I am actually in quite a happy place. Unfortunately, this peace also comes at a cost that I am again finding that I have to grow through into uncharted waters. How do I push through and continue to climb without the aggression. What do I use? I have been trying things over the last couple of months and still haven’t been able to find something that has the same impact on drive and feeling as aggression but I am hoping that I will figure out how to turn something as powerful as love and happiness into that drive. That way I don’t have to rely on my fiery emotions that can very easily destroy all the things around me without it being burned in a controlled environment.
I will leave you all today with a song that has been speaking to me a lot lately. Love’s Sorrow — Youtube
“You know, I discovered something. Everyone has something… Something deep inside their hearts. For some, it might have been enmity. For others, admiration. Wishes, a craving for the spotlight, feelings that one wants to deliver, feelings for one’s mother. Everyone was supported by their own feelings. I realize now that, perhaps, no one can stand alone on stage.” — Kousei Arima
Tonight we start with a quote from my favorite show:
“Music transcends words. By exchanging notes you get to know each other, to understand each other, As if your souls were connected and hearts were overlapped. It’s a conversation through instruments. A miracle that creates harmony. In that moment, music transcends words”
This quote has so much meaning to me, especially with my love of music. It has always been one of the things that really allows me to dive into the depths of my heart and soul and take a real look at the way I feel about things that have gone on and the things that are currently going on in my life.
Tonight though it really makes me think about the way that people communicate with each other through their actions and how even small actions can have a dramatic affect on peoples lives. For example, growing up I always dealt with the fear that I wouldn’t amount to anything in life and that I would be a disappointment to the people I care about. It wasn’t until someone who I really cared for showed me through a failure of their own that it wasn’t the end and that even disappointment from others can be very fleeting. What truly matters isn’t failing or even losing. It is having the ability to constantly get back in the arena over and over and never giving up. Never allowing a roadblock or a setback to be the end. Unfortunately so many people in life come across obstacles and just pack it up and go home.
Since that day I have continued to look at life from the perspective of “Never allow anything to stand in your way and stop you from doing the things you want to do. Even for just a moment.” We will all have moments where life knocks us down and pushes you to what you think is your breaking point (I know I do!) but those are the moments that will make you the person you want to become as long as you have the audacity and willpower to push through and break through.
The people who are willing to do that (willing not able, because everyone is able) are the people that truly become great. And by doing that and constantly pushing yourself to become the best you can, your actions will speak to those around you and can have drastic affects on others lives. It is important though to remember tho that the people whom you surround yourself with can push you to become better just as easily as they can sap your drive and break your spirit if you let them. This is why we (the people who are willing to push in our lives) must always walk a very fine line in our lives emotionally. If we allow the wrong types of people to become to close and stay there we can very easily lose ourselves. At the same time though if we shut ourselves off from everyone we will lose a large amount of our ability to push completely through our struggles and become the types of people we are/were meant to.
And now for a confession… I have made quite a few massive mistakes in my life and have hurt those who I consider great friends; even those whom I love dearly. To those people I am truly sorry. I know that I can never truly make up for the pain I have caused nor can I even hope to gain your forgiveness (some of you). All I can hope is that by pushing myself to become the best me I can be that I will learn how to not make those mistakes again. I know it is foolish of me to believe that I will never hurt the people I care about again but is that such a bad thing to wish and strive for? I’m sure I will fail over and over again and continue to hurt the people closest to me. All I can truly hope for is to learn from those mistakes so that I don’t make them again and that the people who I have chosen to let in will call me on them and force me to face them.
At this point in my life the only true way for me to become successful is to see the affect that my actions and decisions have on other people and the people around me. I truly wish, with all my heart and soul that I can allow one person to bask in the sunlight. If I can accomplish that in my lifetime then I will have succeeded. That is truly my only goal that I have for myself at this point. I’m sure that will change over the years but until I reach that goal I don’t think I can every truly consider my life to have meaning. I truly believe that we are in this life to achieve the best us that we can be. But that doesn’t really matter if you don’t affect the people around you in a way that truly enriches their lives.
I think at this point it is time for me to end this post (it has been quite long winded I’m sure, and if you read until this point I hope it wasn’t too boring). Before I go I would like to thank Jessica Cermak for our recent conversation as it has given me the spring board I needed to look at my life from this perspective and dive deep into it. Thank You.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how quickly people can come in and out of your life. From this has come some interesting observations (I think so anyway) about life in general.
I have always been a fan of the phrase “you get out of things what you put in” but I don’t think I have ever really realized how much that applies to until I started getting serious about one of my passions in life (fitness). through fitness I have seen first hand the tie between effort and reward (and subsequently jealousy but I may touch on that later). as I started applying this to other things in my life I realized that people can be very interesting in the way interaction plays out. for example, I had a friend recently whom I talked to basically every day and as we were talking it became apparent that we both didn’t want the same things. Now normally I wouldn’t have let that affect how often I spoke with this friend. But my mind quickly turned it into an equation (as it often does) and I realized the effort and time I was spending in keeping communicating going at that level wasn’t worth the effort due to the difference in goals/priorities when I could allocate that effort elsewhere. Once I came to that realization I cut back on communication significantly and have sense found that the communication has basically died out.
I know I could very easily chalk things like this up to “it wasn’t meant to be anything” or “it simply wasn’t right for me at that level” but I think these are a cop out that is used when people aren’t able to look at things from the perspective of commitment to their goals. You see from what I have found (in my limited experience) when you are able to commit to your goals you start to realize that things that aren’t helping you reach them can distract you from them and in the end hurt your ability to reach them.
Now I should add a caveat here… this is not me saying that you can’t have multiple goals. for example, one of my goals is fitness related. but another is ensuring that I live my life every day how ever brings me happiness. when something doesn’t (or no longer) pertain to those goals I find it effective (even necessary sometimes) to remove it from my life at some level.
Now with that I would like to ask anyone reading this a question. What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them?
It has been a long time since I have posted anything on here. But as I lay here tonight thinking about life and actually feeling something that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a very long time I have had a few different thoughts that I figured I would share.
Music has always affected me in ways that most people don’t seem to understand (from my experience). The right song at the right moment can hit me like a truck to the face and breakdown every defense I have ever built. In these moments I find that I am able to be more honest with myself than any other time. Tonights music that hit me really hard made me realize that i may live out the rest of my life without a family of my own. To be honest that thought terrifies me at my core. With that being said i will not allow myself to settle for anything less yhan someone whole fills me with love and peac, more tham i have ever know.
I was watching a movie tonight that one of my co-workers sent me called “The Baader Meinhof Complex” about a group of so called “terrorists” called the RAF. This movie got me thinking about the nature of activists (whether it be political or other) and our duty to be civilly disobedient on the things that we disagree with about our government. We must remember that it is very easy to call people we disagree with names and diminish their ideas. But people who fight for their ideals should be respected significantly more than those who live their lives in complete contentment.
I am not saying that I always agree with whatever methods are used in order to fight for ones Ideals but we need to realize that people don’t just wake up and go directly to things like blowing people up. There are always steps that are attempted before this becomes the only real action that people feel can be taken.
Lately I have been noticing a trend of people whom I consider to be my friends pissing and moaning about different things I do, how I say things and how I choose to live my life. I am getting very tired of it and the amount of anger that is building because of it is slowly getting to me. So here I am clearing the air.
If you are a good friend of mine, you know that I will accept criticism from you as most of you who fall into this category know how to go about it. But if you are just an acquaintance and try to give me shit about things I do, my sense of humor, or the friends I associate with them I have the following message: you probably won’t be my friend for much longer.
I’m almost at the point of saying Fuck off and cutting people out of my life. So keep pushing mother fuckers and see what happens.
-A pissed off man
This post is going to be a little weird but I’m sure it will tie together well. These last two days have been a wild ride. I have experienced every emotion from extreme sadness to complete bliss to overwhelming anger and even in many cases complete calm. In the last few days these emotions have come and gone at different times and sometimes extremely quickly even to the point of me not being able to sleep.
Now, with that out of the way. Today started off as a standard Monday (pretty crappy) and after going to work and getting some things done it was just on cruise control. That was until I was about an hour away from the end of my work day. I got a message from my ex who I hadn’t talked to in quite some time (the breakup hit her pretty hard). Usually this wouldn’t even really bother me but her message really struck me a bit and got me thinking about if people who dated can actually go back to being friends without the fact that they dated impacting that and I have come to an answer.
I cannot. Everyone I have ever dated has been a friend before the relationship to some extent and in every case the fact that we had a relationship has adversely affected our friendship. Here is the breakdown:
1) Still a friend but is kept very distant because not certain how much I can trust her and not sure how much I can trust myself. (Let’s call this one tease)
2) Don’t talk to her and have no intention of it anymore. (Let’s call this one cheating bitch)
3) This one is the one who messaged me recently. We won’t be friends again, at least not likely. If we do become friends again it will be a very touchy situation and it will never be even close to how it was before.
I understand that other people have had different experiences in this area and I would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learned from your experiences in this area?