Tonight as I sit here watching my favorite show I can’t help but think about the influence each of us have on others hearts (and vice versa) and how powerful, damaging, and amazing that can be.
The first thing I did was ask myself the question of “do I allow people to influence my heart enough?”. After thinking on it I have discovered that this is a very difficult question to answer, especially for me. I am rather selective with who in my life I allow to have that level of influence on me and other than family I can count on 1 hand the amount of people who have that level of influence on me. I have let many people in over the years (upwards of 20) that are no longer allowed to have that influence over me. Each person who no longer has it is for another reason, some are for things they have done, some are for things I have done, and others are for changes that have taken place in our lives that just fade away that relationship.
I am very grateful for all of those who have come and gone and the many things I have learned from our interactions (which are quite numerous). With that said tho, to the people who remain in my life that have that level of connection. There are no words I can use to express the amount of love I have for all of you. The amount that you have helped me learn about myself and others through our communication and friendships has been something that I will never forget and hope to continue for many years to come.
With that said, there are many different aspects of life that I still don’t have connection with and that is quite sad. I have come close on a few occasions to seeing the world in bright color but I have yet to grasp it with the most tender of grasps (for a variety of reasons). In thinking about it tonight I am a very difficult person to get close too. I test and test and test people before I give them access to the real me. I constantly re-evaluate based on decisions and actions. I am quick to push people out if they break some of my cardinal rules. I end relationships very quickly (I haven’t had one that lasts more than 3-4 months yet). I tell myself that this is because I know very quickly as to whether or not they are going anywhere but I wonder how true that is.
Is it possible that I am just broken in my soul and I am too much of a coward to truly face it for what it is? Is the pure innocence in me so broken and damaged that it has become aggressive and jaded? or am I on the right track?
I know many people who have their own opinions on these and I’ll be honest. I am not looking for others opinions. These are questions that I need to evaluate on my own (for the most part) and have been over the years. There is much more I need to seriously look at. But it does raise another interesting question… When you have a set of rules for allowing people in (and don’t lie to yourself, we all do) that you have lived by for many many years and have refined them is it even possible to look at them in a non-biased way and then make a decision from there? I have been making small progress over the years but I fear for me to truly know the answer I will have to come upon a cataclysmic event that truly breaks me all the way to my core and forces me to rebuild from the ground up.
If I’m being honest… a part of me longs for that day and a part of me fears that beyond imagination.
Have you ever been truly broken? Do you know what it feels like? Do you understand the depths at which your heart can take you?
Quote for the night: “Unable to hear your music, you try to abandon the piano, even as you cling to it for support… You love it but you can’t go near it. You miss it but you can’t touch it. Even though you’re grieving, though you’re hurting…”