Influencing the Heart

Tonight as I sit here watching my favorite show I can’t help but think about the influence each of us have on others hearts (and vice versa) and how powerful, damaging, and amazing that can be.

The first thing I did was ask myself the question of “do I allow people to influence my heart enough?”. After thinking on it I have discovered that this is a very difficult question to answer, especially for me. I am rather selective with who in my life I allow to have that level of influence on me and other than family I can count on 1 hand the amount of people who have that level of influence on me. I have let many people in over the years (upwards of 20) that are no longer allowed to have that influence over me. Each person who no longer has it is for another reason, some are for things they have done, some are for things I have done, and others are for changes that have taken place in our lives that just fade away that relationship.

I am very grateful for all of those who have come and gone and the many things I have learned from our interactions (which are quite numerous). With that said tho, to the people who remain in my life that have that level of connection. There are no words I can use to express the amount of love I have for all of you. The amount that you have helped me learn about myself and others through our communication and friendships has been something that I will never forget and hope to continue for many years to come.

With that said, there are many different aspects of life that I still don’t have connection with and that is quite sad. I have come close on a few occasions to seeing the world in bright color but I have yet to grasp it with the most tender of grasps (for a variety of reasons). In thinking about it tonight I am a very difficult person to get close too. I test and test and test people before I give them access to the real me. I constantly re-evaluate based on decisions and actions. I am quick to push people out if they break some of my cardinal rules. I end relationships very quickly (I haven’t had one that lasts more than 3-4 months yet). I tell myself that this is because I know very quickly as to whether or not they are going anywhere but I wonder how true that is.

Is it possible that I am just broken in my soul and I am too much of a coward to truly face it for what it is? Is the pure innocence in me so broken and damaged that it has become aggressive and jaded? or am I on the right track?

I know many people who have their own opinions on these and I’ll be honest. I am not looking for others opinions. These are questions that I need to evaluate on my own (for the most part) and have been over the years. There is much more I need to seriously look at. But it does raise another interesting question… When you have a set of rules for allowing people in (and don’t lie to yourself, we all do) that you have lived by for many  many years and have refined them is it even possible to look at them in a non-biased way and then make a decision from there? I have been making small progress over the years but I fear for me to truly know the answer I will have to come upon a cataclysmic event that truly breaks me all the way to my core and forces me to rebuild from the ground up.

If I’m being honest… a part of me longs for that day and a part of me fears that beyond imagination.

Have you ever been truly broken? Do you know what it feels like? Do you understand the depths at which your heart can take you?

Quote for the night: “Unable to hear your music, you try to abandon the piano, even as you cling to it for support… You love it but you can’t go near it. You miss it but you can’t touch it. Even though you’re grieving, though you’re hurting…”



What is the value of a life?

Tonight I am sitting here thinking about the value of life. Specifically about the value of my life. I have tried to live a decent life and be a decent man with the end goal having always been that I would be able to truly touch someones life and help them better themselves. Due to recent events and things that I have been told by people whom I cared deeply for I am starting to question if I have failed in those more often than I previously realized. It would be very simple for me to throw the opinions in the trash and chalk it up to them simply being upset at me but the words that were chosen seemed to be chosen for a purpose and I am debating if tossing them away would be a mistake or not.

Over these past 2 weeks I have had much time to think and allow my brain to wander down areas that I didn’t really want it to go. I am not one to take back decisions that have been made, nor am I one to allow people to take back decisions that they have made (very different from forgiveness) in most situations but I can’t help but wonder how many of the things that were said were said out of anger and how much of them are true (even to a point).

The one word that sticks in my brain the most was “Sociopath”. According to the dictionary this is defined as follows:

  1. a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.
 I certainly don’t believe that I am a Sociopath but more what I am contemplating is if I am truly a cold person or if I am too good to just close a door and move on with my life.
I am not expecting any answers to this from anyone as this is something that I will have to come to a conclusion on on my own. If I don’t do so quickly it will probably just be pushed out of my head as things said in anger and pain and move on. With that said, if any of you would like to put in your two cents feel free to ping me as I would be interested in hearing others opinions.
As I like to try to do I am going to leave you with a video that has been speaking to me at my core tonight:

And a quote:

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” — Hilary Stanton Zunin

Being Truly Touched…

Tonight as I sit here trying to mentally prep for my race Saturday I am thinking about the power of a simple touch. Allow your heart to go on a journey with me if you will. Imagine yourself living in the world and being unable to be touched by anyone otherwise you would disappear. Spending 30+ years living in that state of being while trying to connect with people and knowing you won’t ever die of old age of sickness. Then finally finding someone who truly sees who you are and you both fall in love. You spend 5 years getting to know everything that you can possibly know about them and the more you know, the deeper you fall in love with them.

What would you do? Would you touch them and allow yourself to disappear? or would you simply continue being with them until they grew old and passed away?

After giving this a bit of thought I think I would allow myself to touch them even if it cost me all of my being. I know that it would have a massive impact on them in a potentially negative way but I also know that making the choice to finally be able to touch them even if it is as simple as a hug would be worth so much that I would be willing to trade all of eternity for that few moments of connection. Obviously choosing this wouldn’t be something I would do lightly and it would take an immense amount of certainty that the feelings I had for them were worth that level of sacrifice.

I choose the word sacrifice very specifically in that last sentence though. Not just in the way of giving up time but giving up the time that I had with them specifically. I don’t believe that living a long life actually has any real value. It is what you do in your life that gives it meaning and not how long you live.

The easy answer here would be to wait until they were old to touch them so that they could pass shortly there-after but I feel like this would be robbing them of the level of connection that a simple touch can provide and I think wouldn’t be a kind thing to do to someone. If you were to do this you would essentially be putting them in your same situation with the looming knowledge that they would grow old and die. Before you give this answer ask yourself… Could you really do that to someone you truly loved and that truly loved you?

As I have taken to doing here is a video (sadly no quote this time):

Learning What I Value

Tonight I was hanging with a good friend and I was lucky enough to learn more about myself and the things I truly value. I am forever grateful to everyone in my life who has allowed me to grow through my conversations with them.

Tonight I learned that I value understanding of myself and helping others do the same for themselves above and beyond anything physical. Even passing up a physical connection to try to help both others and myself grow. I have found that physical connection is important but understanding who someone truly is and what they value is the closest you can get to truly caring for another.

It is an interesting feeling knowing what my place and point in this life is and I love the fact that I have found it in my current state (it will continue to change the more I learn).

As I like ending these posts with a question and a quote here is my question to you… If you died in 5 minutes could you look back on your life and say that you had a true impact on another?  Could you say that you helped them grow and helped them see another aspect of who they truly are?

This is my goal in life. Is to have that profound of an impact on at least one person. Helping them grow as a person.

The quote I want to leave you is the following:

“When you play for the sake of another person, it can make all the difference in the world. It’s like you and that one friend of yours, the one you truly admire. You’re playing for him whether he knows it or not. When you have shared your art with a room full of people, when you have given them a window into your soul and your hearts beat as one; That’s the moment music goes deeper than words.”


Pondering Hatred

Today I have been thinking about hatred and how it can manifest in our lives. Every way from it being a motivational tool to drive us to be better and the kind of hatred that can completely consume you and break your soul and spirit. It has raised a very important question that gets close to the heart of a person that I don’t know how to truly answer which I find very interesting.

If you had the ability to completely control one persons mental state that you hate. But you could only influence it one time in anyway you choose and the changes would be permanent. What would you do?

I find that this question can provide some deep insights into your heart if you allow it to. Most people’s off-the-cuff response would be that they would take the high road and try to better the person they hate but I wonder how many people when they look deeper into their heart would find that they don’t have that capacity buried inside them as they currently are. Most people pretend to be kind and helpful people but in each persons heart is where their true person lives and only when you start to understand that person can you truly give any form of a real answer to that question. Even with as much as I have learned about myself over the years I don’t have any semblance of an answer to this question.

Having felt true hatred for another in my life on a few occasions can I honestly say that when I hated them that I would have used that power to the betterment of the person I hated? or would I instead have used it to break them to their core? You can wrap your answer to that question in anyway you feel you need to in order to make yourself feel like a good person but I doubt that very many people would truly be able to make the claim that they would without a feeling of real doubt.

To anyone who reads this I ask that you don’t give me your answer, only that you do some serious introspection and look at your heart and try to decide what you would do for yourself.

I fully believe that there is no right or wrong answer to this question. Only that it can instead provide you with a glimpse into your soul and hopefully allow you to understand where you are in your life emotionally. What you do with that knowledge is completely up to you.

There are only three real options when confronted with a question like this:

  1. Do a lot of introspection and try to come to an answer
    1. Then use that answer to try to learn more about yourself and better yourself
    2. Or stop there
  2. Give an off-the-cuff response which holds no real value
  3. Simply refuse to answer

All of these responses are ok. There is nothing wrong with any of them. They are just where you are in your life and what you put value on.

However, if you are willing to ponder the question and truly look at that beautiful, ugly and powerful creature in your heart, I give to you a song that I am listening to as I write this and ponder the question myself. May you find whatever it is that you are looking for and many things that you aren’t in your heart.

Life, Love and Improvements

Now that I have finally moved into my new apartment and things have settled down again I have been going through and taking inventory of my emotions and where things stand in my life.

I am extremely grateful for a great many things in my life from everything with my large bouts with depression for years when I was younger to how that shaped me into being the person I am today. Up to the heart break I have dealt with and how that has pushed me to grow as a real person and forced me to deal with my emotions.

In the past I have pressed through life and walls by using aggression and anger to push myself to a higher level. Lately though I realize that I am not angry anymore. I am actually in quite a happy place. Unfortunately, this peace also comes at a cost that I am again finding that I have to grow through into uncharted waters. How do I push through and continue to climb without the aggression. What do I use? I have been trying things over the last couple of months and still haven’t been able to find something that has the same impact on drive and feeling as aggression but I am hoping that I will figure out how to turn something as powerful as love and happiness into that drive. That way I don’t have to rely on my fiery emotions that can very easily destroy all the things around me without it being burned in a controlled environment.

I will leave you all today with a song that has been speaking to me a lot lately. Love’s Sorrow — Youtube

“You know, I discovered something. Everyone has something… Something deep inside their hearts. For some, it might have been enmity. For others, admiration. Wishes, a craving for the spotlight, feelings that one wants to deliver, feelings for one’s mother. Everyone was supported by their own feelings. I realize now that, perhaps, no one can stand alone on stage.” — Kousei Arima

Long Winded Thoughts

Tonight we start with a quote from my favorite show:
“Music transcends words. By exchanging notes you get to know each other, to understand each other, As if your souls were connected and hearts were overlapped. It’s a conversation through instruments. A miracle that creates harmony. In that moment, music transcends words”
This quote has so much meaning to me, especially with my love of music. It has always been one of the things that really allows me to dive into the depths of my heart and soul and take a real look at the way I feel about things that have gone on and the things that are currently going on in my life.
Tonight though it really makes me think about the way that people communicate with each other through their actions and how even small actions can have a dramatic affect on peoples lives. For example, growing up I always dealt with the fear that I wouldn’t amount to anything in life and that I would be a disappointment to the people I care about. It wasn’t until someone who I really cared for showed me through a failure of their own that it wasn’t the end and that even disappointment from others can be very fleeting. What truly matters isn’t failing or even losing. It is having the ability to constantly get back in the arena over and over and never giving up. Never allowing a roadblock or a setback to be the end. Unfortunately so many people in life come across obstacles and just pack it up and go home.
Since that day I have continued to look at life from the perspective of “Never allow anything to stand in your way and stop you from doing the things you want to do. Even for just a moment.” We will all have moments where life knocks us down and pushes you to what you think is your breaking point (I know I do!) but those are the moments that will make you the person you want to become as long as you have the audacity and willpower to push through and break through.
The people who are willing to do that (willing not able, because everyone is able) are the people that truly become great. And by doing that and constantly pushing yourself to become the best you can, your actions will speak to those around you and can have drastic affects on others lives. It is important though to remember tho that the people whom you surround yourself with can push you to become better just as easily as they can sap your drive and break your spirit if you let them. This is why we (the people who are willing to push in our lives) must always walk a very fine line in our lives emotionally. If we allow the wrong types of people to become to close and stay there we can very easily lose ourselves. At the same time though if we shut ourselves off from everyone we will lose a large amount of our ability to push completely through our struggles and become the types of people we are/were meant to.
And now for a confession… I have made quite a few massive mistakes in my life and have hurt those who I consider great friends; even those whom I love dearly. To those people I am truly sorry. I know that I can never truly make up for the pain I have caused nor can I even hope to gain your forgiveness (some of you). All I can hope is that by pushing myself to become the best me I can be that I will learn how to not make those mistakes again. I know it is foolish of me to believe that I will never hurt the people I care about again but is that such a bad thing to wish and strive for? I’m sure I will fail over and over again and continue to hurt the people closest to me. All I can truly hope for is to learn from those mistakes so that I don’t make them again and that the people who I have chosen to let in will call me on them and force me to face them.
At this point in my life the only true way for me to become successful is to see the affect that my actions and decisions have on other people and the people around me. I truly wish, with all my heart and soul that I can allow one person to bask in the sunlight. If I can accomplish that in my lifetime then I will have succeeded. That is truly my only goal that I have for myself at this point. I’m sure that will change over the years but until I reach that goal I don’t think I can every truly consider my life to have meaning. I truly believe that we are in this life to achieve the best us that we can be. But that doesn’t really matter if you don’t affect the people around you in a way that truly enriches their lives.
I think at this point it is time for me to end this post (it has been quite long winded I’m sure, and if you read until this point I hope it wasn’t too boring). Before I go I would like to thank Jessica Cermak for our recent conversation as it has given me the spring board I needed to look at my life from this perspective and dive deep into it. Thank You.