Lately I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how quickly people can come in and out of your life. From this has come some interesting observations (I think so anyway) about life in general.

I have always been a fan of the phrase “you get out of things what you put in” but I don’t think I have ever really realized how much that applies to until I started getting serious about one of my passions in life (fitness). through fitness I have seen first hand the tie between effort and reward (and subsequently jealousy but I may touch on that later). as I started applying this to other things in my life I realized that people can be very interesting in the way interaction plays out. for example,  I had a friend recently whom I talked to basically every day and as we were talking it became apparent that we both didn’t want the same things. Now normally I wouldn’t have let that affect how often I spoke with this friend. But my mind quickly turned it into an equation (as it often does) and I realized the effort and time I was spending in keeping communicating going at that level wasn’t worth the effort due to the difference in goals/priorities when I could allocate that effort elsewhere. Once I came to that realization I cut back on communication significantly and have sense found that the communication has basically died out.

I know I could very easily chalk things like this up to “it wasn’t meant to be anything” or “it simply wasn’t right for me at that level” but I think these are a cop out that is used when people aren’t able to look at things from the perspective of commitment to their goals. You see from what I have found (in my limited experience) when you are able to commit to your goals you start to realize that things that aren’t helping you reach them can distract you from them and in the end hurt your ability to reach them. 

Now I should add a caveat here… this is not me saying that you can’t have multiple goals. for example, one of my goals is fitness related. but another is ensuring that I live my life every day how ever brings me happiness. when something doesn’t (or no longer) pertain to those goals I find it effective (even necessary sometimes) to remove it from my life at some level.

Now with that I would like to ask anyone reading this a question. What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them?


Life, love, sadness, and happiness.

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on here. But as I lay here tonight thinking about life and actually feeling something that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a very long time I have had a few different thoughts that I figured I would share.

Music has always affected me in ways that most people don’t seem to understand (from my experience). The right song at the right moment can hit me like a truck to the face and breakdown every defense I have ever built. In these moments I find that I am able to be more honest with myself than any other time. Tonights music that hit me really hard made me realize that i may live out the rest of my life without a family of my own. To be honest that thought terrifies me at my core. With that being said i will not allow myself to settle for anything less yhan someone whole fills me with love and peac, more tham i have ever know.




I was watching a movie tonight that one of my co-workers sent me called “The Baader Meinhof Complex” about a group of so called “terrorists” called the RAF. This movie got me thinking about the nature of activists (whether it be political or other) ¬†and our duty to be civilly disobedient on the things that we disagree with about our government. We must remember that it is very easy to call people we disagree with names and diminish their ideas. But people who fight for their ideals should be respected significantly more than those who live their lives in complete contentment.

I am not saying that I always agree with whatever methods are used in order to fight for ones Ideals but we need to realize that people don’t just wake up and go directly to things like blowing people up. There are always steps that are attempted before this becomes the only real action that people feel can be taken.

Getting really tired

Lately I have been noticing a trend of people whom I consider to be my friends pissing and moaning about different things I do, how I say things and how I choose to live my life. I am getting very tired of it and the amount of  anger that is building because of it is slowly getting to me. So here I am clearing the air.

If you are a good friend of mine, you know that I will accept criticism from you as most of you who fall into this category know how to go about it. But if you are just an acquaintance and try to give me shit about things I do, my sense of humor, or the friends I associate with them I have the following message: you probably won’t be my friend for much longer.

I’m almost at the point of saying Fuck off and cutting people out of my life. So keep pushing mother fuckers and see what happens.

-A pissed off man

Lost songs

This post is going to be a little weird but I’m sure it will tie together well. These last two days have been a wild ride. I have experienced every emotion from extreme sadness to complete bliss to overwhelming anger and even in many cases complete calm. In the last few days these emotions have come and gone at different times and sometimes extremely quickly even to the point of me not being able to sleep.

Now, with that out of the way. Today started off as a standard Monday (pretty crappy) and after going to work and getting some things done it was just on cruise control. That was until I was about an hour away from the end of my work day. I got a message from my ex who I hadn’t talked to in quite some time (the breakup hit her pretty hard). Usually this wouldn’t even really bother me but her message really struck me a bit and got me thinking about if people who dated can actually go back to being friends without the fact that they dated impacting that and I have come to an answer.

I cannot. Everyone I have ever dated has been a friend before the relationship to some extent and in every case the fact that we had a relationship has adversely affected our friendship. Here is the breakdown:

1) Still a friend but is kept very distant because not certain how much I can trust her and not sure how much I can trust myself. (Let’s call this one tease)
2) Don’t talk to her and have no intention of it anymore. (Let’s call this one cheating bitch)
3) This one is the one who messaged me recently. We won’t be friends again, at least not likely. If we do become friends again it will be a very touchy situation and it will never be even close to how it was before.

I understand that other people have had different experiences in this area and I would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learned from your experiences in this area?

Realizations of a damaged heart

Tonight as I lay here in bed thinking about my past I can’t help but feel sorrow for all the pain I have caused others due to my uncertainty and lack of trust. As much as I would like to I cannot say that I have stopped doing this. In thinking tonight, I know there are people who are good for me and I enjoy being around but that I am unwilling to make any form of commitment to so instead I run away under the guise of “wanting to have fun”.

The truth of the matter is that I am terrified of making the wrong decision again and breaking what is left of my heart.

I hope all of my friends know how much I truly do care about them and that I am here for them if they need me.

Writings of a drunk guy :) WOOT

In our everyday life we realize that there are really only two states of being. One of which is that we are truly at peace and the other is that we give up who we truly are in order to become who others want us to be. Personally, I prefer to be one of the few who choose to be truly at peace with who I am and the decisions I make. This to me is the definition of awesome. One can go through their entire life without understanding what it really means to be free of self dispise; this is an unfortunate reality that most people get stuck in. When you realize that all of your past mistakes and problems lead you to true enlightenment, that is when you actually realize that without making mistakes you can’t learn to better yourself and to realize that your true nature is in fact to make mistakes.

I learned to make mistakes and to fall as hard as I could at the rather early age of 12. For you see, I fell in love at the age of 12 and gave my heart to another who would not accept it and could not understand what it meant to truly give yourself to another. I will admit that at the same time, I did not realize what it actually meant myslef and therefore I refuse to find any fault with that person in any shape or form. Decisions were made that were believed to be in the best interest of all parties and the time and to be completely, 100% honest I respect that and the fact that that decision was stuck to.

To get back to the point of this post (yes I know I get very verbose when I’m drunk and can get caught on a tangent) I would like to define being awesome for all of you who I know and tell that they need to just be awesome.

I will start by saying that being Awesome is not something that can be given to you by others. Being awesome is a state of mind that one comes across when they realize that they are truly special even with all of the faults that they have. Now this doesn’t mean that you have to actually accept all of your faults, in fact it is kind of the opposite. It is simply accepting that you aren’t and will never be perfect and that what you are and what you have is enough to be happy with yourself. I am a decent example of this. I am no where near perfect in anything that I do; personally I believe that everything I do can be improved upon and I am truly one of those people who understands that there are usually 10 people in the room who are smarter than I am.

At this point you may be asking yourself the following: “Then why does he comstantly think that he is amazing/awesome?”. The reality of that answer is that if I believe that I am wrong in the things that I do than I will become so afraid of the truth of the situation that I will refuse to take any action. And from my past experiences I have found that taking no action is always worse than taking the wrong action. Therefore this has made me believe that any action is correct, as long as you are willing to crash and burn and then learn from it.

I would like to end this on a positive note, so I will end it with the following: Live on the edge of destruction so that you can truly understand what it means to be alive.