Realizations of a damaged heart

Tonight as I lay here in bed thinking about my past I can’t help but feel sorrow for all the pain I have caused others due to my uncertainty and lack of trust. As much as I would like to I cannot say that I have stopped doing this. In thinking tonight, I know there are people who are good for me and I enjoy being around but that I am unwilling to make any form of commitment to so instead I run away under the guise of “wanting to have fun”.

The truth of the matter is that I am terrified of making the wrong decision again and breaking what is left of my heart.

I hope all of my friends know how much I truly do care about them and that I am here for them if they need me.

Writings of a drunk guy :) WOOT

In our everyday life we realize that there are really only two states of being. One of which is that we are truly at peace and the other is that we give up who we truly are in order to become who others want us to be. Personally, I prefer to be one of the few who choose to be truly at peace with who I am and the decisions I make. This to me is the definition of awesome. One can go through their entire life without understanding what it really means to be free of self dispise; this is an unfortunate reality that most people get stuck in. When you realize that all of your past mistakes and problems lead you to true enlightenment, that is when you actually realize that without making mistakes you can’t learn to better yourself and to realize that your true nature is in fact to make mistakes.

I learned to make mistakes and to fall as hard as I could at the rather early age of 12. For you see, I fell in love at the age of 12 and gave my heart to another who would not accept it and could not understand what it meant to truly give yourself to another. I will admit that at the same time, I did not realize what it actually meant myslef and therefore I refuse to find any fault with that person in any shape or form. Decisions were made that were believed to be in the best interest of all parties and the time and to be completely, 100% honest I respect that and the fact that that decision was stuck to.

To get back to the point of this post (yes I know I get very verbose when I’m drunk and can get caught on a tangent) I would like to define being awesome for all of you who I know and tell that they need to just be awesome.

I will start by saying that being Awesome is not something that can be given to you by others. Being awesome is a state of mind that one comes across when they realize that they are truly special even with all of the faults that they have. Now this doesn’t mean that you have to actually accept all of your faults, in fact it is kind of the opposite. It is simply accepting that you aren’t and will never be perfect and that what you are and what you have is enough to be happy with yourself. I am a decent example of this. I am no where near perfect in anything that I do; personally I believe that everything I do can be improved upon and I am truly one of those people who understands that there are usually 10 people in the room who are smarter than I am.

At this point you may be asking yourself the following: “Then why does he comstantly think that he is amazing/awesome?”. The reality of that answer is that if I believe that I am wrong in the things that I do than I will become so afraid of the truth of the situation that I will refuse to take any action. And from my past experiences I have found that taking no action is always worse than taking the wrong action. Therefore this has made me believe that any action is correct, as long as you are willing to crash and burn and then learn from it.

I would like to end this on a positive note, so I will end it with the following: Live on the edge of destruction so that you can truly understand what it means to be alive.

-Kharma

Another of my older writings…

When dealing with the pain and hurt (even though words can’t truly express the damage done) that others can cause us it is important to look around and allow ourselves to see that there are people whom we surround ourselves with that do understand and in many cases truly care and wish only to help (even though they may not know how). There are others still who do help without us knowing the rolesthat they played. It is these people that we must show our appreciation to and keep close to us as we go through our lives.
Unfortunately, when damage is done it is never done to only one person, and as the pain and sadness spreads from the source to all the others that care about that person the sadness and pain grows in strength and will eventually become buried. But as with all things nothing stays buried forever, and when the wound is unearthed and the pain and sadness is felt full force again our natural reaction is to lock the pain and sadness back away never to truly deal with it. By doing this however we rob ourselves (and others) the ability to actually heal and grow from the pain and learn the lessons that could be learned. Only when we are ready to truly deal with the pain and sadness (and yes it is very scary) will we be allowed to truly grow as a person and allow ourselves to be loved for who we are and finally start getting back our hearts again.
It is important to realize that as we allow ourselves to heal and grow that it is our natural reaction to lash out and (in one way or another) attempt to make ourselves feel better by causing the other person pain. While this may be a quick feeling of happiness it with only damage us more as we then become the person spreading the pain and sadness. When one reaches this point along the healing path it is important to have someone around whom is willing to allow us to vent this anger and frustration without being hurt themselves. For without this person we are much more likely to spread the pain and sadness that we feel, and as time passes we will come to regret the decisions made during the healing process.
If i could provide anyone (no matter whom it is) with one piece of knowledge it would simply be that sadness and tears our our hearts way of telling us that we are alive and that we allowed ourselves to truly care about someone. So as we start to heal if the feeling arises to cry or let tears fall then attempt to have someone there to help you through it and hold you while you cry until you are all out of tears.
While this process is extremely painful and trying it is very worth it, unfortunately it is not a short road to walk and walking it by ourselves is nearly impossible. So keep those who care about you close and allow yourself to see that while it may not seem like it there is an end to the pain and sadness. And when you are able to love yourself you will then allow yourself to see just how deeply and truly those around you care about you. It is these people who will always be there through thick and thin and through the pain and sadness that we must keep close to our hearts.
My only hope is that as damages are done and attempted to be healed that we as people are able to stand on our own and be able to better understand ourselves and others through the pain. For if we allow ourselves to be built back up by others (not with there help but instead deriving our self worth from how they view us) then we will only be doomed to be hurt again.
A very wise person once told me that in order for us to truly be happy in our lives we must surround ourselves with the right people including loved ones. But most of all, above everything else we must be happy with who we are as a person. Otherwise we will never be truly happy.

One of my older writings…

When dealing with the loss of another, it is important to remember that while they will never come back, we will also never truly lose them as long as we keep them in our hearts. Unfortunately this is a distinction that many are unable to make and they can forget (very easily) that the fact that we still hurt in regards to the loss proves that we still haven’t really lost them.

Over time, you may (likely will) lose the ability to picture them in your mind or even remember the warmth of their touch, but this is also your brain (and heart) allowing itself to heal and attempt to pick up the pieces. Usually the “healing” process takes a very long time when you lose someone whom you care for deeply; in some cases one never truly heals (or even allows themselves to move on). As friends of people who have lost a loved one (either through death or breakup) it is our job to be there for them as much as we possibly can through the pain and healing process. As I am finding out as I write this, just making yourself available to talk can prove to be a great help. Unfortunately, if you are like me and want to help someone heal with a much more hands on approach this simply is not enough. Fortunately, you may find that much of the damage that has been done doesn’t require action on anyone’s part in order to heal from, instead it simply requires time and the willingness of the one who is hurting to attempt to deal with it.

The problem with being asked to stand by and do nothing is that through our inaction we may feel as though we are not actually assisting; this could not be further from the truth. By allowing one to heal on their own we let them truly see their own worth. If we however, force ourselves into “helping” with the problem we instead make the person who is hurting that much more reliant on us and when we “leave”, like most do, we tear away the foundation for all the healing that has been done and the wound gets re-opened and the damage is made worse than it was originally. In cases like this, (where we have been asked to do nothing) it is necessary to simply stand by watch, and listen. That does not mean that we are unable to attempt to open the eyes of the person hurting through communication as long as it is very gently and you are there to reassure them as they are hurting and grieving. If you find yourself unwilling to assist them as they are grieving you should not attempt to open there eyes, as the damage and pain that you can bring them by doing such, can have unforeseen consequences; up to and including you being hated for it.

If ever you find yourself around a person you truly care about and you feel like your only able to simply be there and not actually feel like your a part of the group it is important to attempt to realize that just because you are there shows that you care, and hopefully the other person sees that (if not there isn’t much you can do). Sometimes it is better to not speak and to simply listen than it is to throw yourself into the crowd and just become another voice. When you sit by and watch and talk little, people usually realize that what you have to say actually matters and means something so they usually tend to listen. Unfortunately this can also cause hardships for you because while being quite is a wonderful trait it also makes it difficult to stop yourself from providing your true opinion, as many times because your quite people actually listen when you say words. Even though they don’t necessarily mean anything. It is important to remember that while actions mean a lot… Words… will always retain their power…

That is why when we love someone completely and without any misgivings we must use both actions and words to express all feelings; even if it hurts the one we love, the damage that can be caused by not involving then in our pain (and joy) is usually significantly more damaging that the damage caused by involving them. But this is also a double edged sword if you are similar to me. When I care about someone that deeply I do not want them to be in pain, and I definitely do not want to cause them pain and in most cases it actually hurts me emotionally to do so. So by bringing the one I love into my pain and sadness causes me more pain. Take it from me though, if you do not involve them in the situation it will fester under the surface and you may cause irreparable damage to your loved one and even the relationship.